Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
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Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls