The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
this is the best day of my life
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect