Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
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Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Squirrels before girls.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.