just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
A friend sent me this.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
mom had nothing to worry about
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.