me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary