TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god