Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.