I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
tourist season
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house