This made me chuckle.
You Might Also Like
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?