ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
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I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Teach your children to beatbox
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.