My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
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Wait a second…
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips