me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
You Might Also Like
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?