Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.