Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
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Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Harsh but fair
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️