*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
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Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?