*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Oh no
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.