Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Good morning
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved