Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.