*Seductively hides in the woods
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[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.