Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
#ProTip
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone