When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
can’t bark with your mouth full
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.