SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
knights of the ikea table