Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
do what now??
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)