[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.