I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
You Might Also Like
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer