I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.