The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much