Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
You Might Also Like
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back