If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
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A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier