Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that