Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms