To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it