If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
i did the math
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
whenever i wake up before my alarm