my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Shoo shoo! 😂
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
thanksgiving in nutshell
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct