IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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I wish I were this cool 😂
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!