“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
You Might Also Like
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH