Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.