The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Meeeee too!
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
San Francisco has too many rules
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow