At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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The photographer’s assistant
I hate everything
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)