This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out