WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Meme Monday.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?