Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
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Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
some Old Testament wisdom
i- i did not expect this
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
my nickname in college
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.