Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
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If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*pronounces fake like saké*
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?