The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently