Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.