CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
X-tra spooky blend
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.