Thoughts
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Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
need him
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats