My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I’M CRYINGGG
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now