Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
#JohnTravolta
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
when you are just born a rebel
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.