HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
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My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.